As a new day dawns on what could be called the Divided States of America, you may find yourself instantly drowning in notifications – Twitter feuds, Facebook debates, and articles that vilify those on the “other side.” In the midst of this digital deluge, one question surfaces: Have we lost the ability to genuinely talk and listen to those we disagree with?
The reality is, scrolling through our devices has replaced a lot of our human-to-human interaction, and with it, our chance to see others as more than just pixels on a screen. And let’s be honest, the “unfollow” button is a much easier option when someone doesn’t mirror our beliefs. But are we being duped by our screens? Should we accept everything that appears on our devices as the gospel truth? Absolutely not. Remember that time Aunt Debbie shared that article that claimed eating bananas is a cure for the coronavirus? That’s the point!
And this leads us to another necessary realization: It’s okay to be wrong. We need to allow more room for redemption, or we paint ourselves into a “cancel” corner. Making mistakes is quintessentially human. Like the time you put salt in your coffee instead of sugar. If we are not allowing ourselves a way to forgive and be forgiven, then both sides of any argument are on opposite tracks headed in opposite directions, with no way to meet in the middle. And if you’ve ever been wrong before you’ll know, until you see that you are wrong, it feels just the same as being right. Correcting our mistakes is how we learn, grow and develop that sweet taste for empathy.
But wait, what is empathy? It’s more than a fancy new buzzword that earns you points with the “woke” crowd. Empathy can be described as the active effort to understand the experiences and perspectives of others. Not to be confused with sympathy, which is merely feeling pity for someone, empathy encourages a genuine connection. It is an acknowledgement of the other person’s experiences.
It seems, these days, that we often misunderstand the essence of empathy. Sometimes, in a bid to “win” arguments, we might only sympathize, approaching issues from our own vantage point rather than genuinely attempting to understand the other side. So, how do we find our way back to empathy?
1. Active listening
Attention is the key here. And this is rather simple. Start a conversation with someone who disagrees with your perspective with the constant goal of being curious. Don’t you really want to know why they think and feel the way they do? Maintain eye contact, nod, refrain from formulating a snarky comeback, and most importantly, be present. As the old saying goes, “You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.”
Feedback is crucial. It’s not about echoing the other person’s words but genuinely attempting to understand. If you can say something like, “What I think your saying is…” then you will find out quickly if you actually understand them or not. And admit it, when someone else actually understands you, it’s an amazing feeling. And it does wonders in bridging the divide.
Lastly, response. Reflect on what the other person has conveyed. Share your perspective and how it may differ without aggression. This will ensure that the conversation remains an open dialogue.
2. Understanding over agreement
This is very important! You don’t have to agree with someone to empathize with them. It is not about forfeiting your opinion. But you can enrich your views with the addition of someone else’s perspective. You can walk away from every conversation still voting the way you did when you entered it. But, with understanding comes respect. Something we are in dire need of in these Divided States. Disagreement causes the divides, but understanding is the bridge.
3. Embrace the differences
Cognitive empathy requires recognizing and understanding another person’s mental state. Not everyone thinks and feels the way you do. Obviously. And that’s okay. Recognize the differences, don’t weaponize the differences.
Self-reflection: Ask yourself
- Have I truly listened to someone I disagree with recently?
- Did I try to understand, or was I preparing my counterpunch?
- Do I agree with everything my side is arguing? Or are there moments I feel torn?
To converse with someone you disagree with
- Find common ground to start. Maybe you both like pineapple on pizza, or both consider it heresy. Maybe you both have children and want to provide a great life for them.
- Listen without immediately formulating a response. It’s easier to understand someone when you aren’t busy trying to make your own point.
- Ask questions with genuine curiosity and without hidden jabs. Don’t you really want to know why those “crazy” people believe that stuff?
While it may sound like I’m advocating for world peace here (which, to be honest, isn’t a bad idea), the essence of what I’m saying is simple: Let’s talk and listen. Next time, before dismissing someone as “just another misguided soul,” remember that behind those thoughts and words lies a person, with experiences and emotions, and probably a story about the time they put salt in their coffee instead of sugar too.
Because as the old saying goes, United we stand, divided we…well…let’s not find out.